by: Elizabeth Black

Cougars are all the rage in the dating world now. A “cougar” is an older woman – most often in her late thirties and forties – who dates younger men. Demi Moore is the most famous cougar out there today. Men attracted to them are tired of all the drama that comes with dating women their own age. A cougar knows what she wants, and she gets it. She’s very direct, and she doesn’t play games.

Valerie Gibson’s book, “Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men”, lays out the cougar in all her juicy splendor. You know what you are getting with this book because of the luscious tongue licking a pair of bright red female lips on the book’s cover. Cougars loathe commitment, and according to Gibson they view their men as “prey”.

When most people think of May-December romances, they think of a silver-haired older man with a young, lovely creature hanging on his arm. These men reject women their age for younger women. Older women today have fired back at men their age who overlook them in favor of dating nubile young women. Some older men feel threatened by cougars, since cougars make them feel slow and old. Cougars invade the “I will date younger people” territory that has been held by older men for aeons. Gibson wrote that separated and divorced older men “are a major source of hostility when it comes to older women dating younger men.” The cougar merely turns her head away from these older men, and gives them the brush-off that they have been giving to older women for years.

Cougars reject men their own age for many reasons: older men often won’t perform cunnilingus. They sometimes suffer from impotence or erectile dysfunction. Midlife crisis rears its whining head. The guy is miserable going through a divorce or separation, and the cougar doesn’t have desire to deal with soul-sucking misery.

Is a cougar merely a woman who searches for her prey in his natural habitat, snares him, has sex with him, and then lets him go? Not necessarily. While Gibson’s view of this alluring older woman is the most common view held of cougars, the cougar is in reality much more complex than that. Jerry’s wife S. is both a cougar and a MILF (Mother I’d Love To Fuck), although he says that she doesn’t like labels. MILF is a slang term used by young men and teenaged boys to describe a hot, sexy, older woman, often a female teacher or the mother of one of their friends. Jerry says that his wife “does appreciate it that older women are no longer tossed aside as yesterday’s papers. If you look back on “The Graduate” and other media treatments of the sexually-liberated older woman, she is always portrayed as some pathetic psycho.”

The negative depiction of older women/younger men in movies such as “The Graduate” and Jacqueline Bisset in “Class” have been shoved aside in favor of more positive depictions in movies like “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and “Y Tu Mama Tambien”. While stereotypes of older, sexually-liberated women are still found in modern movies, women, especially older women, are now getting fair treatment in a growing number of movies.

This new trend of depicting older women in a positive fashion may be a result of decades of feminist influence. Thirty years of feminism has laid the groundwork for women to express their sexual selves and to be taken seriously as sexual beings. Jerry says that evolution was on a woman’s side if you think about it: “at just the moment when younger females should be occupying the attentions of the males, she comes into her greatest heat. If she can’t bear as many offspring, she can certainly fuck! So I think it’s wonderful for S. and other women who in the past would’ve seen men casting them off for younger ones are now in the driver’s seat socially. Though S. is also quick to point out that it’s a shallow, mostly sexual development, since young men don’t STAY with older women usually.”

While it is true that most young men don’t stay with their older women, some of them do. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are a prime example. Some older women who marry their younger men say that they were not looking for younger men when they met their future husbands. The age gap was just part of the package. Grace married her younger man. They dated for one year and have been happily married for eight years. She says, “I am 52 years old my husband is 32. That’s about it I wouldn’t call that a quality and I was definitely not looking to date and marry a man 19 years my junior.”

Jenny is another older woman who was not looking for a younger man when she met her future husband. Their relationship formed and grew as they got to know each other. The age difference was not a deciding factor for them. She said, “I’m married to a man who’s 8 years younger than me. We met when I was 34 and he was 26. Now, I’m 38 and he’s 30. I’m an engineer. He’s a scientist. We were good friends, and eventually got to be very attracted to each other.”

While Grace and Jenny were not looking for their younger men, how do cougars and their young men find each other? Steve is a happily married man in his twenties who has a craving for some cougar meat. He is not sure exactly what it is that makes cougars so attractive for him. He said, “I think it’s her “fuck it” attitude…. basically the fact that she knows what she wants, and that’s what she’s going to get… and she’s good at it.” He has no idea how to meet one, though. Hanging out in Internet chat rooms has so far lead to nothing. He saw my comments about cougars on my blog, and he wrote to me to learn how he can find one. It could be that he is looking in the wrong place, but he doesn’t know where else to look other than Internet chat rooms. Chat rooms may be safer for him, because he doesn’t have to meet his prized older woman face-to-face. There is also the pesky little problem that he is married, and his wife has no idea he is looking for a cougar. I told him that a potential cougar may turn him down flat when she finds out that he is looking for fresh meat without his wife’s knowledge. He’s aware that that will likely happen, but all it takes is for one older woman to say “yes”. He could luck out.

Jerry and S. like to share their bed with multiple partners. He said that he and S. find their “live sex toys” in swinger sites. Gibson describes in her book “Cougar” all of the exciting settings an older woman is likely to find her sexy, vibrant, younger man, and they don’t have to look in bars. She tells the older woman to find her prey in museums, bookstores, political rallies, and Tai Chi classes, depending on what kind of man she is looking for. She won’t find The Techie, for instance, at a health club. If a cougar wants a young, sexy geek, she’s more likely to find one in an Internet coffee shop.

Once the cougar has found her younger man, and they get along fine, then comes dealing with the reactions of other people. Grace said that reactions to her marriage “runs the gamut from “you go girl” to “cradle robber”!” Cougars tend to praise other cougars. While her mother (or his mother) may need smelling salts when confronted the reality of the unconventional relationship, once Mom gets to know the new person, she may surprise everyone and be fully accepting.

Children can be a very sticky matter. Grace has two adult children, a teenager, and a pre-teen, and all four have accepted their young stepfather as a family member. Not everyone is so fortunate. Gibson describes children’s varied reactions to their mothers dating younger men. Younger children may get needy and clingy – wanting more attention than ever. Wherever the cougar and her man go, the kids will want to follow. They will pull the time-honored stunt of suddenly developing a stomach-ache, head-ache, fever, diarrhea (maybe even all at one) as you are halfway out the door to a hot party. Older children will introduce the cougar’s man to their attractive girlfriends. They will suddenly demand more “family time”. They may make up sordid stories about the guy’s past. They may tell the rest of the family that their mother is making a fool of herself, and that he is interested in only her money.

How should the cougar handle insecure children? One thing she could do if dealing with children is too difficult for her is to not date younger men with children, although today that may prove difficult. If the children are her own, she can’t exactly return them from whence they came. Meet him away from home at first, until the children get to know him better and feel comfortable in his presence. Hold off on overnight visits until the children are very comfortable. If you are that horny, rent a hotel room or crash at his place. Gibson says that the cougar “needs to be sensitive to [the children’s] needs” and “ease them into your new relationship.” When the children realize that their mother isn’t replacing their affection and love with a BoyToy, they may calm down.

Women today don’t see their lives end when they turn forty. Forty is often an age where they see new opportunities open for them, and dating a younger man is only one of those opportunities. The cougar embodies all that is alluring and exciting about today’s modern older woman. She is sexy, financially successful, intelligent, opinionated, and sure of herself. Since she knows what she wants and she knows how to get it, she becomes attractive to a wide variety of people, including younger men. Her life can be more exciting and varied than even she has imagined.